We all know that person. The friend, coworker, or family member who just can’t resist trying to top your story, achievement, or experience with their own allegedly better one. It might go something like this:
You: “I’m so excited, I just booked a trip to Hawaii!”
Them: “Hawaii? That’s nothing, I went to Bora Bora last year. Way more beautiful and exclusive.”
Or perhaps:
You: “I finally ran my first 5K race last weekend!”
Them: “Oh a 5K? I’m training for an Ironman triathlon. But good for you for doing a little fun run.”
Sound familiar? If so, you’ve encountered a “one-upper” – someone who feels compelled to outdo others and prove their superiority. Their constant need to “win” every conversation and portray themselves as better than you can be frustrating, tiresome, and damaging to the relationship.
So how to handle a one upper in your life? Here are some tips from experts:
Tips as to How to Handle a One Upper
1. Don’t Get Sucked Into the Competition
It can be tempting to try to “beat” the one-upper at their own game by countering with an even more impressive story or accomplishment of your own. But getting sucked into this kind of petty one-upmanship will only escalate the situation.
2. Call Out the Behavior
In some cases, letting the person know how their constant one-upping makes you feel can prompt them to change.
For example: “John, I felt hurt when I told you about my promotion and you immediately said how it was nothing compared to your job. I’m proud of my accomplishment and I was hoping to celebrate with you. When you always try to one-up me, it makes me feel unsupported.”
Direct, honest communication can often help oblivious one-uppers realize how off-putting their behavior is. But be prepared that highly competitive people may get defensive or dismiss your feelings.
3. Praise Their Accomplishments
One way to short-circuit a one-upper’s need to prove their superiority is to proactively acknowledge and praise their feats. “Wow Mark, that’s impressive that you climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro! What an incredible experience, I’d love to hear more about it.”
Showing admiration and interest in their stories and successes can satisfy their craving for validation and make them less likely to step on your spotlight.
4. Set Boundaries
With particularly competitive or self-centered one-uppers, you may need to set some boundaries about what you’re willing to listen to. Weiner-Davis recommends being direct:
“Anne, I’m happy to hear about your trip, but I’d appreciate it if you would also take time to listen to my experiences without comparing them to yours. My vacations are just as valid and exciting to me. If we can’t have more balanced conversations, I may need to limit how much we talk about our personal lives.”
Limiting your exposure and establishing boundaries with one-uppers is sometimes necessary to preserve your well-being. You can still maintain a civil relationship while protecting yourself from their constant thunder-stealing.
Also Read: How to Destroy a BRAGGER’s Ego with These 25 Clever Comebacks and 31 Mic-Drop Comebacks that Shut Down Jerks INSTANTLY!
5. Extend Empathy
As annoying as one-uppers can be, it’s helpful to remember that their behavior usually stems from deep-rooted insecurity and feelings of inadequacy. They aren’t necessarily being malicious, but rather are trying to soothe their own anxieties and low self-esteem.
Having some compassion for the wounds behind their behavior can make them seem less threatening. You might even gently point out the pattern and let them know you value them without bragging.
“Sam, I’ve noticed you often feel the need to mention how your car, house, vacations are better than everyone else’s. But you’re an amazing, accomplished person – you don’t need to prove your worth by constantly one-upping people. I think you’re great as you are.”
Being kind yet direct may help the one-upper start to reexamine their competitive behavior. But even if not, approaching them with empathy can make their actions feel less personal.
6. Find Other Sources of Support
If the one-upper is a close friend or family member, their inability to celebrate your joys or support you may be extremely hurtful. In those cases, it’s important to cultivate other relationships with more caring, encouraging people.
Joining groups centered around your interests, deepening connections with positive colleagues, or working with a therapist can ensure you have affirming voices to counteract the one-upper’s negativity.
7. Consider the Context
Is the one-upping just an annoying habit, or is it part of a larger pattern of disrespect, self-absorption or narcissism? Are they competitive with everyone, or just you? Assessing the full picture can help determine how to respond.
Similarly, an occasional bit of one-upmanship from a good friend who is generally supportive may just require gentle redirection. But a pervasive pattern of stepped-on feelings may be a sign to reevaluate the overall health of the relationship.
8. Redirect the Conversation
Sometimes, the simplest way to handle a one-upper is to master the art of the subject change. When they start in with the competitive comparisons, smoothly redirect the conversation to a new topic.
You: “I just got back from a great trip to the Caribbean.”
Them: “I go to the Caribbean at least once a year. Have you been to St. Barts? Much swankier than the regular tourist islands.”
You: “No I haven’t. Hey, did you watch the basketball game last night? Such an exciting finish!”
Refusing to engage in one-upmanship by pivoting to another subject can defuse the moment without making it a big confrontation. With practice, this subtle redirection can become an effortless way to manage the one-upper’s interjections.
9. Use Humor
Sometimes using a little playful humor can point out the one-upper’s crazy competitiveness without shaming them. When they start boasting about their superior experiences, you might smile and say something like “Wow, you’ve got me beat! I bow down to you, O Exalted Master of Vacations!”
Delivered with a big grin and exaggerated praise, this kind of remark can make it clear how ridiculous their one-upping is, without escalating into an argument. Keeping things light and jokey often works better than getting annoyed or defensive.
Final Thoughts
You may not be able to change a one-upper, but you can reduce their impact. Set boundaries, redirect conversations, and remember their behavior reflects their insecurities, not your worth. If needed, distance yourself and focus on supportive friends who celebrate your successes. You’re great as you are – true friends will appreciate that without competing.
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